Divorce Consulting:
Three Steps to the Best Divorce for You

This is how the process works at WHD Consulting. It’s a seamless blend of emotional support, strategic thinking, goal-setting, empathetic partnership, and real-world steps for structuring your divorce today in the way that will serve your needs for the future. 

Our north star at all times is “No regrets.”

Take Stock of Where You Are

woman tangled in twigsIf you’re like most people who come to me, where you are is a bit lost.
No One Understands Divorce
Divorce is not something the average person has “experience” at, nor is the process itself easily understood by anyone other than industry professionals. Marriage is a legal event, so divorce must be a legal event, and yet our legal system squeezes families into the same one-size-fits-all adversarial trial system set up for everyone else. There are three big problems with this.
Problem #1:  The Learning Curve
Learning your way around the law for a one-time event is like learning how to perform one-time open heart surgery…and about as enjoyable. So what do most people do? They ask their lawyer a lot of questions. For a lot of money. The truth is, most of those questions can be answered elsewhere…and you might not even need a lawyer.
Problem #2:  There Is So Much More to Divorce Than the Legal Process!
The law is only one small fraction of the divorce process and the life transition. There are a whole load of specialists—operating specifically in the divorce space!—that you might not even know about: financial advisors, mortgage lenders, child advocates, guardian ad litems, parenting coordinators, parenting supervisors, discernment counselors, business evaluators, pension valuators, tax advisors, real estate advisors, support groups, family and individual and marital and child therapists, collaborative divorce practitioners, divorce coaches, mediators, arbitrators, online services, and more. If you can find one ally (hint: a divorce consultant) who understands all those pieces, how they fit together, whether you need them, and whether they’ll have value to you, you are already ahead of a game stacked against you.
Problem #3:  Court Is the Last Place You’ll Find Satisfaction
Family court never delivers justice. It bears repeatingfamily court never delivers justice. We think a judge will hear our story and agree with us on what’s best for our family, and the sad truth is…after all the money spent…it just doesn’t happen. Our courts simply don’t work that way. 
So What Can You Do to Get Un-Lost?
Fortunately, you’re reading this. So you are going to know what to do. The first step is, take stock of where you are. You’re running in place, most likely.

But—

—you have one thing that is very, very important.

You have an opportunity.

Don’t see it yet? Start making lists. What is working in your life? What do you love, and want to hang onto? What hasn’t been working, that you wouldn’t mind changing or even getting rid of? What might be missing, that you would like to bring into your life or have in the future? Write until you can’t write anymore. DESCRIBE YOUR LIFE TODAY.

Choose Where You Want to Go

The most powerful thing you can do for yourself now is choose!

“Choice” vs. “Control”

Choice is not the same thing as control.

Will you be able to control everything? No. You may have learned that just by the trajectory you took to divorce—for some, that’s the first time they face a true lack of control. It can be a frightening and jarring event. 

But can choice get you very, very far? Yes.

The Power of Being Intentional

“Intention” is one of those little things that, merely by existing, can have an outsized impact. So let’s be intentional.

If you’ve taken a good hard look at where you are, and let that steep in your consciousness, then you are already on your way to intention. It’s time to imagine a life you would love.

Step #1:  Look Back

Sometimes that starts with looking backwards. Go ahead and do it, because after this you’re only going to want to look ahead.

Think about who you were before you got married: Did you like things about that person? Did you lose any of those things? Were there things you didn’t like, that marriage or parenthood served you well to overcome? Be grateful! But if there’s anything about the “old you” that you miss, that’s an easy place to find your first goal(s). Now you’re on your way to a list.

Lists are medicinal. Writing activates a part of the brain that will be instrumental in turning your thoughts into action.

Step #2:  Look Around

Now look around: Is there anyone around your age (or at your same stage in life) you admire? A family member, a friend, a public figure? Is there anything you admire in the specific sense that you would like to see that in yourself? A way of being, an achievement, a habit or routine, a paycheck, a fearlessness…it can be anything. If it’s something that deeply appeals to you, put it on the list.

Step #3:  Look Forward

Now look ahead: Who is 5, even 10, years ahead of you? Maybe they have older kids, or an established career, or they moved somewhere fun or are taking more risks…anything. If you find yourself hoping you’ll “be like that” in 5 or 10 years, add it to the list.

What about 15 years from now?

It’s important that when you do this, you use your 5- to 15-year-future self as the benchmark, not who you are today. Remember that if you are a parent, your kids will be that many years older. They’ll probably be busier. Maybe they’ll have a driver’s license or leave home or be in travel sports or Model UN. Maybe they have special needs—how will those evolve? Maybe they’ll be hard to get out of your basement, choosing video games over college. Let your mind wander the possibilities, and especially the probabilities. If you needed to be with them every second when they were 5 and 7, do you think you (or they) will feel the same way when they’re 15 and 17? If not, how will you fill your time and the void?

Make a long, long list for this one because it’s the future, and you don’t really know; you can only imagine. So put it all down. Some things will stick, and you’ll start to see a theme, and some won’t get any traction at all. That’s okay. Eventually you’ll start to have a picture.

And you might even start to get excited.

Craft the Resolution You Need to Get There

What you do now may determine everything. Hopefully you have, at least subconsciously, reached two conclusions at this point.
Reality Check #1:  Most Couples Fare Better with Out-of-Court Resolution
“Alternative Dispute Resolution” (staying out of court) is the best possible way forward, and you are willing to do anything you can to achieve it. (I have news for you: Around 95% of divorces settle before trial. Lawyers know it, and they know that you don’t. The more work they can do before you settle the case, the easier it is for them to make a living. But why choose that? If you’re going to settle anyway…why not skip the avoidable pain points?)
Reality Check #2:  If You Can Dream It, You Can Put It In Your Settlement Agreement
You may very likely benefit from a flexible divorce resolution that can meet your (and your family’s) changing needs over time. Many people don’t know this, but if you can stay out of court, you have a chance to get truly creative. Whatever you and your spouse can think of as ideas that would work for your family are fair game for a settlement agreement. As long as you both came to those solutions together, and the best interests of the children aren’t taking a hit, chances are pretty good you will get your agreement signed off on. And guess what? Those two realizations just shot you past St. James Place all the way to Park Ave. (Yes, you rolled a 21!)
Time to Put It All Together
You have taken stock of where you are. You have a “good enough” idea of where you’d like to go (and you’re starting to feel something about that future you). Now you need the divorce to achieve it.
An Example (and A Chart!)
In one common scenario—which we’ll use as our example of how divorce consulting works—that means a few things:
  • You don’t want to spend all your money on divorce.
  • You have something to move toward now, so you want to put the divorce behind you.
  • You have a vision for the future that probably involves mental wellbeing, even peace in the family dynamic, which a fight to the death today will surely torpedo.
  • You might benefit from “stepping” certain of your divorce terms—time with the kids, monthly support, residency arrangements, childcare, e.g.—to meet changing needs over time.
Let’s stop there. How does that translate into real-world meaning and action? NOTE: This are only illustrative examples, and not meant as advice for readers. Everyone’s situation is different!
Goal >>>
Need >>>
Solutions
(in order, starting with best option for most people)

You don’t want to spend all your money on divorce.

Cost-saving process

(1) Mediation, (2: tie) Arbitration or Amicable Divorce, (3) Do It Yourself*

You have something to move toward now, so you want to put the divorce behind you.

Divorce decree reasonably soon

(1) Do It Yourself,* (2) Mediation, (3) Amicable Divorce, (4) Collaborative Process, (5) Arbitration

You have a vision for the future that probably involves mental wellbeing, even peace in the family dynamic.

Conflict-minimizing process

(1) Do It Yourself,* (2) Mediation, (3: tie) Amicable Divorce or Collaborative Process

You might benefit from “stepping” certain of your divorce terms to meet changing needs over time. 

Creative settlement terms brainstormed just for your family

(1) Mediation, (2: tie) Amicable Divorce or Collaborative Process


*Personally, I would never recommend a 100% DIY divorce. Better to have at least one lawyer behind the scenes helping with your agreement and guiding you through the process.

Goal

You don’t want to spend all your money on divorce.

Need

Cost-saving process

Solutions (in order, best first)

(1) Mediation, (2: tie) Arbitration or Amicable Divorce, (3) Do It Yourself*

Goal

You have something to move toward now, so you want to put the divorce behind you.

Need

Divorce decree reasonably soon

Solution (in order, best first)

(1) Do It Yourself,* (2) Mediation, (3) Amicable Divorce, (4) Collaborative Process, (5) Arbitration

Goal

You have a vision for the future that probably involves mental wellbeing, even peace in the family dynamic.

Need

Conflict-minimizing process

Solution (in order, best first)

(1) Do It Yourself,* (2) Mediation, (3: tie) Amicable Divorce or Collaborative Process

Goal

You might benefit from “stepping” certain of your divorce terms to meet changing needs over time. 

Need

Creative settlement terms brainstormed just for your family

Solution (in order, best first)

(1) Mediation, (2: tie) Amicable Divorce or Collaborative Process

 

*Personally, I would never recommend a 100% DIY divorce. Better to have at least one lawyer behind the scenes helping with your agreement and guiding you through the process.

In this example, the chart pinpoints alternative ways of obtaining a divorce (all of which avoid an expensive and protracted court case) that align with the stated goals for the future. The clear winner here, taking all four goals into account, is mediation. 

Naturally, your divorce consultant won’t leave you there. She’ll help you determine the best ways to discuss this with your spouse, and refer you to specific mediators who might be right for you. She’ll help you figure out what to ask and what to look for, and assess afterward how those consultations went. She’s with you every step of the way.

The Divorce Consulting Difference

But here’s where having an experienced divorce consultant can be a real game-changer:

The same strategic thinking can be applied to every aspect of your divorce, down to the smallest things. Whether and when and how to keep the house…what the parenting schedule should look like today versus 3 years from now versus 10 years from now…how pickups and dropoffs will work…whether and how to divide retirement savings…who should pay off a given debt…how to handle new significant others…what (ex-)spousal communication should look like…etc. 

Really anything that serves your future goals can be reverse-engineered into specific terms or arrangements that shape your divorce today into the foundation you need for your future.

You know your goals. You consultant can help you translate those into needs. Even better, your consultant will have countless solutions you can think through together to find ones that fit.

Finally, your consultant will help you put those solutions into action…and always with professionals and/or resources that are the right fit for you.

If you would like help with your situation, click the button in the bottom-right corner to get started.

Welcome to WHD Consulting!